A Boy

The Mr likes to remind me often to let KJ be a boy. He is reckless and at times just plain ole dangerous. This in turn makes me want to constantly remind him to be careful, not climb so high, or go so fast. He smells of boy sweat most days and has the sneakiest smile of all times. I grew up with sisters and even though we were not considered the dainty type I had no idea what having a boy would bring. He lives in full throttle and loves in the same way too. Some might say he is a mama's boy. He is even quick to admit this to the man behind the dairy counter. Some warned me that he will grow out of this stage faster than I would be ready for. Since the burn I thought that time had come. The accident came much too soon after our Australia trip where I think he was just starting to forgive me for leaving him for a whole week. The longest I have ever gone without him. For weeks after the burn KJ would not really touch me. Our nightly show watching, book reading, just because cuddles came to an abrupt stop. He was afraid to touch me, because he was afraid of hurting me. Following the most painful times, when I was ready and able to hold him again he wouldn't have it. He would sit by me, but not in the same way he once did. He did it because I asked not because I could make everything better with a single hug. With a reluctant heart I succumb to the fact I was not needed the way I once was. I did not care for the way it all changed especially due to the circumstances, but life still went on. He was still my boy and we just operated a little differently. Fast forward to last week, KJ got sick. He ran high temps and felt all over miserable. The first thing he did was crawl onto my lap and stayed. I did not admit to him that it was painful for him to be sitting on my still healing wounds, but body scars can not compare to the heart scars in any way. For two days straight all he wanted to do was lay in my arms so that is what we did. I've come to know what I already knew more so this past year than any other, my children are ever changing, I am am ever changing, but our God is steady and for that I know all our days will be well no matter how hard or easy that day may be.  I am grateful our connection was healed.

*When the pain was so bad and I could not utter words KJ came up with a way for us to communicate. We would point our thumbs in a direction to indicate how I was feeling. It made me smile every time. Since the burns he still likes to communicate with me in this way. It can represent how dinner was, how our days went, or how he did on a test. I'm sure the older he becomes the more silly our way of communicating will become to him and eventually seize so for now I will relish in my eight year old ways. For one day my boy will be a man.

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. - James 1: 2-4

sources: t-shirt | pants old Ann Taylor {similar} | booties | KJ's button down {war eagle} | jeans


Sometimes in the midst of a hectic week I just have the need for something to work the way I imagine it should. This just so happens to be the case with a ribbon dyeing or should I say re-dyeing experiment that I recently did during one of those weeks when everything seemed to be going array. For our photography business we use lots and lots of ribbon. Mostly for our packaging, but also for styling and on occasion for Ellie's hair. At the beginning of summer I dyed this silk fabric turned ribbon a tad too bright of a corally pink. I left it in the dye for a minute too long or maybe I used too much dye all together, but either way the color was much too vivid for my liking. I deemed it fine for summer, but with fall and winter right around the corner I was wanting a deeper and softer color. I did not want to waste all the newly created ribbon or pack it away for I know myself too well and the said ribbon would be forgotten. Out of sight out of mind.  I took half of my stash, leaving room for error,  to see if I could change it up a bit. I saved my coffee grounds after making my favorite ice coffee recipe and re-soaked them in water to make a deep muddy color. The following day I put the water over medium low heat and soaked the ribbon for a few hours. I did a quick rinse off in the sink and as I watched the ribbon dry I was pleasantly surprised that what remained was a much more muted corally pink color. I then repeated the process with the rest of the ribbon I had on hand. This not so important DIY gave me the second wind I needed. The process takes time and when the outcome is iffy at best it was nice to have a tangible accomplishment even if it is a small and somewhat silly one. Have you all had any victories that may seem unimportant while in the midst of something so much greater, but that little victory just makes everything seem okay even if it is just for a moment?

Finding Rhythm

Some days, most days I should say, go on as they should or at least how I think they should. The sun rises and the sun sets at the appointed time, the kids smell like hours of fun had outdoors, the Mr's warm hug envelopes me in a way only his can, good conversation happens with friends, food is eaten, and laughter happens. Most days are normal as can be, but then once you are operating in a rhythm you know too well bam something happens that brings it to a screeching halt. This moment creeps up so unexpected you almost don't believe it is really happening, but it is. I'm just now getting back into the ritual of going to church on Sundays since my burn accident. I've succumb to the sofa and watching it online for so long that I almost forgot what it was like to actually feel the beat of the drums during worship. During an ordinary Sunday as I worshiped I smelled the strong scent of hot coffee. Something about it smells different than the ice one I've come to enjoy. I opened my eyes as I sang and quickly noticed how many hot coffees people had around me. That's when I felt it creep up from the pit of stomach then up to my throat and then I felt like I was choking. I became hot all over and my head began to spin. My eyes began to water and then I knew I was about to have a panic attack. I have had three since giving my life to Jesus almost 14 years ago. Prior to that I knew them like an unwanted friend who would hunt me down at all the wrong times. The Mr normally knows when I am about to have that moment of panic and can redirect me, but I was sitting among strangers as he worked. I could not leave from where I sat, because then I would have to pass all said coffee's and I knew that could be a disaster. I began trying to breath in deep, shut my eyes tight, and prayed. Slowly I rationalized that normally coffee is not as hot as the coffee from that day, I tried to recall my prior love for the warm cup that would greet me in the early morning for years, my mind and heart kept on racing, but my breathing began to slow and I was able to worship again. The more I sang the calmer I became and soon I was back. In reality this moment only lasted maybe two minutes, I'm sure no one even noticed, but this was the first time I have ever gotten that far along in a panic attack and be able to come back down on my own. I smiled to myself sat through the rest of the service and returned home with a praise story to tell the Mr. Now to figure out if hot coffee will be a new panic trigger. It's not quite as easy to avoid as crowded elevators, my other trigger.  Now you know my secret that very few know about. One that I have been able to avoid and hide deep within myself. It's also one that I think is more common than anyone really wants to admit. Now to move forward once again and find that rhythm of life.

But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. - 1 Corinthians 15:57