Some days, most days I should say, go on as they should or at least how I think they should. The sun rises and the sun sets at the appointed time, the kids smell like hours of fun had outdoors, the Mr's warm hug envelopes me in a way only his can, good conversation happens with friends, food is eaten, and laughter happens. Most days are normal as can be, but then once you are operating in a rhythm you know too well bam something happens that brings it to a screeching halt. This moment creeps up so unexpected you almost don't believe it is really happening, but it is. I'm just now getting back into the ritual of going to church on Sundays since my burn accident. I've succumb to the sofa and watching it online for so long that I almost forgot what it was like to actually feel the beat of the drums during worship. During an ordinary Sunday as I worshiped I smelled the strong scent of hot coffee. Something about it smells different than the ice one I've come to enjoy. I opened my eyes as I sang and quickly noticed how many hot coffees people had around me. That's when I felt it creep up from the pit of stomach then up to my throat and then I felt like I was choking. I became hot all over and my head began to spin. My eyes began to water and then I knew I was about to have a panic attack. I have had three since giving my life to Jesus almost 14 years ago. Prior to that I knew them like an unwanted friend who would hunt me down at all the wrong times. The Mr normally knows when I am about to have that moment of panic and can redirect me, but I was sitting among strangers as he worked. I could not leave from where I sat, because then I would have to pass all said coffee's and I knew that could be a disaster. I began trying to breath in deep, shut my eyes tight, and prayed. Slowly I rationalized that normally coffee is not as hot as the coffee from that day, I tried to recall my prior love for the warm cup that would greet me in the early morning for years, my mind and heart kept on racing, but my breathing began to slow and I was able to worship again. The more I sang the calmer I became and soon I was back. In reality this moment only lasted maybe two minutes, I'm sure no one even noticed, but this was the first time I have ever gotten that far along in a panic attack and be able to come back down on my own. I smiled to myself sat through the rest of the service and returned home with a praise story to tell the Mr. Now to figure out if hot coffee will be a new panic trigger. It's not quite as easy to avoid as crowded elevators, my other trigger. Now you know my secret that very few know about. One that I have been able to avoid and hide deep within myself. It's also one that I think is more common than anyone really wants to admit. Now to move forward once again and find that rhythm of life.
But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. - 1 Corinthians 15:57