Lately there has been an overflow of woman around me who are desperately seeking more. This includes me. Not one more cute bag, the perfect hair cut, a home to put their stamp on, or even the best pair of jeans that can make a bottom look like it's 18 again. Well the latter I may just take, but alas I'm not talking about that kind of more. This more comes from deeper within. It's so deep that you can feel it swirling around, but have yet to find a way to release it. This can manifest in so many ways. Short tempers with the kids, tears for a reason that a finger can not seem to find, lack of energy in so many areas or it can look perfect. Not a real perfect mind you, but one that makes you look like all is well and we have instagram pictures to prove it. I have done both over the years. On the outside I was walking my path with my head up high, but on the inside my chest was tight. On paper all read like a beautiful novel, but the feelings did not match. I knew how to pray, what to pray for, and "knew" God was there, but something was amiss and I could feel it all too much. At times I felt down right crazy. I can say with confidence I was not depressed. I dealt with that in college and I knew this was different. This was a need and not a sadness. Even now as I write I have tears coming down, because I know those moments when all seems lost and it pains me to know others can feel that way too. That maybe God would not lift this heaviness that can be hidden with a sweet smile. Maybe that was just part of me. This past year I have shared some of the journey. Some of the unknowing that I have been struggling with. I have not shared my whole story, but let's just say I can be not be shocked by anyone's story. Today I can say without a doubt that God does listen. God does hear us. It may just not be our time to hear Him. I know that God can heal in an instant, God can set us free in an instant, God change any circumstance in an instant. I also know that my instant took years. I had days where I was tired of praying, there were days when I prayed for hours, there were days I excepted this turmoil would stay, and there were days I knew I would be set free. Crazy YES. Real YES. This is ME. I can not say what was different this time, what the magic key was, but I am free. My circumstances did not change. I still am dealing with a chronic illness, I still have tragedy that has to be walked through, so on and so on. I am changed though. I can breath. The swirling in the deep has stopped. The what ifs are gone. The comparison game is done. The needing of more things to fill the empty closed. The fear of missing moments with the Mr and the kiddos has ended. I am living now. I am breathing once again. How did this all come to pass? I'm not sure what it was about this time that worked. Maybe it was the simple fact that I stopped trying so hard to fix it. Maybe it was because I stopped pretending and laid myself bare. I heard God deep in my soul whisper that my and everyone's number one job was to love people and love Him so that's all I did. When my mind started to race or I could not sleep once again I thanked Him for every gift I had been given even if the gift was as silly as not falling that day. I truly let go and He came in. To you all who may be walking in the midst of wanting more, needing more, where your chest might be tight for no apparent reason or a reason so big it's hard to mutter I encourage you as someone who walked for so long feeling as if it would never come that it will happen. I am not an exception. You are made for this world and this time and you are loved. This is the more. This journey, your journey, WILL lead to more.
But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. - Isaiah 40:31