This week has been hard. I hit my limit and may have fallen to pieces. Through my tears I reached out to a few close friends and asked for prayer, begged for prayer, and had that moment that where I knew that this journey with the Lord was something more than aligning my priorities once again, more than building my spirit up, more than abstaining from social media but a time for me to act in courage and not fear and walk into this calling the Lord placed on my life before I was even born.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139: 13-16
Ever since I was little I had BIG dreams, dreams that were smothered by bad relationships and the current business of life. Not a bad life mind you. One that I love with every ounce of my being, but one that I try to create in order to be a good wife, mother, and friend. Not one where I start my day saying "Lord where shall I go? How may I serve? How may I live this calling you set out before me?" Yes, I pray throughout the day, but have I taken that moment to listen to really listen to the plan HE wants me to follow? Not the one I created in lists the day/week/month prior. The plan that just maybe makes this busy life not so busy, but purposeful? I have also come to realize that this sickness that is refusing to leave my body is making a way for me to stop and listen. I can not do much more. I strongly believe in the attack of the enemy and his power to make me focus on how bad I feel and the fear that accompanies it. The fear that maybe I can not fight these infections any longer, because something more may be hiding. That maybe I ignored feeling bad for one year too many. For the enemy may be trying to hinder me from my true calling filled with purpose that can make me REALLY live. Last night as I lay awake I felt the Lord assure me that this attack of sorts against my body can be used for His glory. For His word rings true...
No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. 1 Corinthians 10:13
And His words swarm with promises...
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26
What are these thoughts and dreams stirring once again? Well those are being laid in a journal for now. First I must reconnect with my inner self, dig deeper, and be healed. To hear the full calling that is now being awakened again. For now I will take baby steps that actually feel enormous right now. I will once again lead a small group for women with our church. Something I just got too busy for over the years. I am praying that it will be a time where women can build each other up, find joy in the mundane, and truly find and live a life full of passion and calling. That we can grow and learn together and see where this God journey takes us next.
Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, Colossians 3:23
And in the words of Lysa Terkeurst in Made to Crave, because I simply could not say it any better...
~ I know some may shake their heads while thinking I take all this God stuff too seriously. And I would have to agree completely. I've tasted the deep satisfaction of God and I know all other things are but cheap imitations. And I don't want to be enamored by the lesser things wrought with momentary pleasure. I am a woman who has witnessed too much. I am ruined for good. I too have seen God work miracles. I've been lead through the impossible. He's guided me. He's brought living water to replace my dried-up places. He's given me everything and I don't want to forget. ~ pg 174
I can still go back to the days before I knew Jesus. The 7th of January marked the date where I knew He was calling my name 13 years ago. It was a bumpy ride at first trying to figure out this whole God thing and what that looked like to a girl in college who tended way to many bars, skipped class due to hangovers and depression, to a girl that just wanted to be liked by all. To a girl who came out of some of the worst relationships that I pray for my sweet Ellie to never have to endure or even know about. Those things can not leave you. They still carry a sting, but not a sting of pain, but a sting that drives me wanting to know the Lord more and deeper. He saved me that night from what I can only assume would have ended in total destruction. He set me free. That girl I once knew had to take drastic measures and turn her life around and it was a lonely place at times. I lost many friends and and in loosing my old self I found me. That is the girl who yearns for more today, because I can not forget the past.
So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. John 8:36